Ignore Me Like You Mean It

The Boy has spent all 5 days with his dad. Thursday to Monday evening. Then he came home. He was so tired he didn’t want to talk.  So we ended up going to bed and reading Harry Potter (Prisoner of Azkaban). He wanted on the internet but no. I told him no. Eventually he fell asleep.  Today we woke up and he immediately asked if he could go to MawMaw and PawPaw’s. I said, “you don’t want to stay home and spend time with me?” He said: no I want to visit them.  Cue the first time my feelings have been really hurt by him. He asked for a hug. I’ve always told him I will always hug him.  I said, “I don’t want a hug right now because my feelings are hurt. But in a minute I’ll give you a hug.” We went into the living room and he was crying. I asked why. He said, “because you are mad at me and you think I hurt your feelings on purpose.” Well, I quickly set that straight. I told him I knew 100% that he didn’t hurt my feelings on purpose and I knew he never would. That I was abs...

Mom left this earth on February 12, 2025. I woke up that morning to get Myles ready for school and Mom was cold. She went to meet God sometime between 2:30 am and 6:30 am. I called The Boy’s dad to come get him and take him to school as we had agreed on prior to that. I shut her bedroom doors and got him together and out the door and then I called hospice.  It was such a RELIEF knowing that she was finally gone to God. In her final days awake, my Mom begged me to kill her. She begged me to let her die. She was crying in pain even through the pain medication. Thankfully, when we got close, I was able to tell her how much I loved her and administer morphine. That kept her out of pain, asleep, and floating in her own world.  When she lost consciousness it was about 4-5 days after that when she went to meet God. One of the surreal things was that although she was unconscious, her eyes were open. Hospice assured me that was common. But it broke my heart to see her normally bright b...

I had an emotional evening with everything going on with my Mom. I started crying and Myles grabbed my hand and said, “come with me.” He led me to Mom’s room and said, “She’s still here Mom. Go hug her.”  So I did. And cried, and loved on her. Myles said “hold on,” and went out to grab my phone. He said, “ you guys need a picture “. Y’all, it took me holding her and all her strength to sit up in bed.  Then Myles took the photo of me and my Mommy. When I started crying again he told me a joke to make us laugh.  He is wise beyond his years.  Mom, forgive me for posting the photo.

Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 acinar carcinoma pancreatic cancer a while ago. Acinar carcinoma only affects about 4% of the population with pancan. Even after treatment at Cancer Treatment Centers of America, they had only seen a few cases and even with treatment her tumor was growing. She had the whipple in 2019. Fast forward to today, she’s been living with me and my 8 year old son (The Boy) for about 2 years now and it’s been back and forth from Northern Alabama to Atlanta every other week. That stopped when they said the treatment wasn’t working.  They sent Mom home. She did great for a while, but she’s slowly getting weaker and weaker and after a fall last night we made the decision that she won’t be moving around the house anymore. Thank God for Southern Beacon hospice. We’ve got a wonderful nurse and everything we need so she can stay in the bed. Yall, she’s so tiny. I can see every ligament on her poor little body. This woman has had cancer like 4 times. She’s a damn troop...

For now, I have this: Widespread Panic For Uvalde Can you see the possibilities  The feet laying silent in the crowd The quiet corruption of a world gone mad Shouting silently from securities unanswered phone I wish I’d owned a looking glass  A quiet transfer of violence all my own. The crowds parted in silent revelation, A madman’s place completely at home Pikachu stares from the stands Rivers streaming over and above Music that hangs in the silence  Of a bands best wishes fallen from the throne Helpless bubbles of pregnant pauses  Playing dead like the bones that draw their due. Shoes filled with blood red notes of exultation  In an unexpected recording of “where are you?” A five year olds homework splattered- on the floor Violence takes multiple stages From here I am to there they lay Uvelde in outrageous stages- Columbine, Aurora, Parkland and more. (c) Krystal Turner 2022

Mom Chronicles Day 1,940 April 5, 2022 Mom: “Do you want anything special for dinner?” Myles “Pizza is my destiny. That’s why I came to Earth. For the pizza.” 😆😆 Later I tried to explain something to him (he wants to start wearing nightshirts) and I was basically going to say if someone picks on you for wearing them to bed ignore them. I started to use wimp, but he didn’t know what that meant and I’m not defining a negative word. Then I tried a couple other words. Like sissy. He came back with, “like a sissy and a bubba?” Crissey And I was like oh I see no not like that. It’s hard to remember sometimes just how totally innocent he is, especially with that quick wit and the ability to make jokes that some adults wouldn’t get. Sissy and bubba are his brother and sister. Signing off on the chronicles for now. I need to do better. You may have noticed there are no more photos of Myles. Not new or recent ones anyway.  I decided to keep his face off the internet now that he’s growing u...

How can this beautiful moon I look at be the same moon that Putin looks upon at the same time Ukrainian refugees look at it? I honestly don’t understand how all of these things could possibly happen at the same time and yet- We are not peaceful. We don’t understand each other. All we see are boundaries, colors and lines. The things that divide us. Nothing is made of the thing that unites us. It doesn’t matter that we are all made of flesh, bond and sinew or that we look upon the same stars and possibly worship the same God.

 Yesterday was 5 months since I lost my Daddy. It really hit home because Dad (we call step parents bonus dads or moms) has now been placed in a memory care facility.  And for the first time this week, Dad didn’t know who I was. He thought my son was his. Mom is being denied her surgery (twice now) by insurance. They’re sentencing her to death. If they don’t do anything we’re looking at roughly 8-12 months. Then again she beat it once but they nearly killed her with that surgery. I am not okay.  I can't begin to describe the gut wrenchingly painful experience of losing my Daddy. The slow moving knowledge that he will never wrap his arms around me again.  We think of losing a parent and everyone experiences this. It's so hard. To lose a parent so swiftly, so suddenly, when they are supposed to be going home, only to be gone (I can't even write the 'D' word yet) within a week... It's indescribable. It is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. Now lose two w...

I am so fucking tired. I am so tired of being tired. I am so tired of being so tired that I go to bed at 8:30 p.m., only to lie awake for hours in the middle of the night. I am so tired of not having time with my spouse to actually enjoy each other or talk about things other than the pandemic. I am so tired of mitigating risk by the hour. I am so tired of internally debating whether my kids’ response to something is pandemic-related or not. I am so tired of selfish people. I am so tired of dumb people. I am so tired of lazy people. I am so tired of being angry. I am so tired of feeling so much rage toward strangers. I am so tired of my kids. I am so tired of my kids not being able to get a vaccine. I am so tired of talking about new variants.  I am so tired of drinking to quell the pain. I am so tired of living in “Groundhog Day.” I am so tired of saying, “That’s it, I’m done,” only to, of course, not actually be done. I am so tired of worrying about long COVID-19 and what we don’t...

Daddy- You're on the ventilator.  It's been about 2 1/2   days. Daddy I love you. I've been praying for your healing.  I just got done again. Anytime I think of you- all the time- I pray.  I can't believe you've been ventilated after doing so well.  I hate this. I want my strong Daddy back. I'm comforted by the fact that we talked about your death and I know you're ready to meet Jesus.  If you don't wake up, hug Him hard for me okay? And then I think, maybe you'll wake up and have a story to tell from the other side.  My heart is simultaneously at peace and shattering into pieces I can't catch. I wish I had more time with you. I wish we didn't live so far away. I wish so many things that I can't make come true.  The biggest thing- I just wish- one more time- to feel your arms around me or have you pop around the corner with a snake or mask. I promised you I won't lose my faith. I don't break promises.   I'll always follow Jesu...

They don't tell you that you'll come home after the first visit to the Cancer Treatment Center and your plants will be dead. Not the "I forgot to water it" dead. But DEAD.    That the first thing you think upon entering the house and depositing your bag is, "Shit. Everything around me is dying." Or that weeks later you'll be listening to your boyfriend and friends playing bluegrass and you'll think of your mom. Asleep in her bed with that ridiculously hilarious sleep mask on.  How is she losing weight when she's eating 8 times a day? Did you know there's a name for "wasting away"? It's cachexia.  I hate the phrase wasting away. As if someone isn't doing something to try and help. My brothers and sister in law and I are keeping sharp tabs on her medical notes and feeding her healthy, high calorie protein rich food. But it just falls right off. Maybe we're just trying to WILL her body to start acting eight.  Ho...

 Today was a super hard day.  Yesterday I was supposed to leave with The Man to go to California for a vacation. Something everyone, including Momma said I needed. Well, American Airlines canceled the flight due to the weather in DFW.  I took a 1/4 of my Xanax (which I've never taken) to sleep last night and woke up feeling emotionally, physically and mentally unstable in an EXTREME way. Add to that when I'm away from The Boy from more than a few days it really hits my depression in a way that nothing else, even the stuff with my Momma does.  Today was taxing. It was hard to keep my head on straight and I felt like I was going crazy. I felt as if I couldn't control anything and needed to be hospitalized. Not because I'm suicidal or even depressed. But because my level of stress and anxiety is so beyond the norm that I felt like I just needed to be placed somewhere safe without anything to say, do, or experience. Except The Boy.  The Man is amazed by my level of ...

I didn't update yesterday because it was such a long day. We had a few hours of The New Patient Experience, saw gastroenterology, pulmonology. Mom is having a biopsy via endoscopy ultrasound on Friday.  She did really well for being at the Center all day. What I'm not telling you is we got ourselves a nap between the appointments and the Experience.   Today, I'll be honest. I'm nearing panic attack right now and we're not even at the Center yet. I took one of my anxiety meds, which hasn't happened in a while. I could fall back to sleep so I'm sure Mom could too. The pulmonologist was happy the fluid in her lungs seems to be decreasing. Mom 11 happy too. She gained  1 1/4 lbs yesterday. She's been eating nonstop so hopefully we'll see more weight gain.  Later..... This is fucking scary.  All of it. Trying to get things scheduled in a way that addresses the acinar carcinoma swiftly but also being patient and not Basically Momma has a very rare cancer c...

Today we saw the nutritionist. It didn't take long but we got some information and they suggested she mix something called Benecalorie with her food. It's tasteless and has 330 calories. She is 84 pounds. Down from 88 earlier this week.  Then Mom had a PET scan. We had to wait awhile for them to get her in. I think it seemed that way because we were very early.  Then because she had to be NPO for the PET scan we went to O'Charley's for lunch. We both know she doesn't eat a lot but it doesn't matter.  It made her feel better for a little bit.  But there are things they don't tell you about cancer, about any chronic disease. It. Is. Exhausting.  It is frustrating.  You get so fatigued and weak that you don't have the energy to move to the bathroom much less do anything else. Your mind wants to do so many things. Quilt.  Play a game on your phone. Watch television.  Take a walk. Read a book. Have a conversation.  Binge a show.  But you just...

Well,  I'm laying in the bed next to my mom as she snores (yes you do, mom). Here are photos from earlier.  She's extremely weak and has a huge appetite but can't eat more than a bite or two at a time.  It's so surreal to have this force in my life who has shaped me; this strong woman who has battled cancer and won four times be laying in this hotel room and weighing less than 90 pounds.  In my head she is strong, decisive,  larger than life.  She taught me to always laugh,  even in the bad situations- especially at the bad; to have faith in God, speak life and to always carry some type of weapon.  Of course I'll be updating every day because I have to write it out somewhere.  Watching both of your parents rapidly deteriorate at the same time is... indescribably difficult.  It comes with anxiety,  frustration,  gratefulness, faith,  anger and a whole heap of patience that waxes and wanes. Tomorrow i...

 My scars are markings where the structure of my character has been welded together.

Mom Chronicles Day 1,570 52 months old April 10, 2021 Quarantine Day 373: Well it’s been a while. So let’s start with this. His favorite word is “jump”. He still wants to “fix the food problem” when I ask him what problem he wants to solve when he grows up. He decided he was not about psoriasis a few nights ago and since my legs were looking MIGHTY contagious, I was not allowed to touch him or snuggle for bed. He wanted me to put on long pants. I thought to myself, “child, gtfo of my bed”. And then I sweetly reminded him he doesn’t tell mommy what to do. Then we discussed the difference between being honest and being mean. He’s four. I know. But still. We learned about bullying. Then when I said, “it’s okay if you don’t want to be touched” he said “I just don’t want YOU touching me.” Okay you little stinker. I’m about to take you down a notch and put your pallet on the floor. 😂 I’ve tried to be a more- no- to be a “crafty” mom. So we started painting rocks. Those washed away in the ra...