Ignore Me Like You Mean It

Mom left this earth on February 12, 2025. I woke up that morning to get Myles ready for school and Mom was cold. She went to meet God sometime between 2:30 am and 6:30 am. I called The Boy’s dad to come get him and take him to school as we had agreed on prior to that. I shut her bedroom doors and got him together and out the door and then I called hospice.  It was such a RELIEF knowing that she was finally gone to God. In her final days awake, my Mom begged me to kill her. She begged me to let her die. She was crying in pain even through the pain medication. Thankfully, when we got close, I was able to tell her how much I loved her and administer morphine. That kept her out of pain, asleep, and floating in her own world.  When she lost consciousness it was about 4-5 days after that when she went to meet God. One of the surreal things was that although she was unconscious, her eyes were open. Hospice assured me that was common. But it broke my heart to see her normally bright b...

They don't tell you that you'll come home after the first visit to the Cancer Treatment Center and your plants will be dead. Not the "I forgot to water it" dead. But DEAD.    That the first thing you think upon entering the house and depositing your bag is, "Shit. Everything around me is dying." Or that weeks later you'll be listening to your boyfriend and friends playing bluegrass and you'll think of your mom. Asleep in her bed with that ridiculously hilarious sleep mask on.  How is she losing weight when she's eating 8 times a day? Did you know there's a name for "wasting away"? It's cachexia.  I hate the phrase wasting away. As if someone isn't doing something to try and help. My brothers and sister in law and I are keeping sharp tabs on her medical notes and feeding her healthy, high calorie protein rich food. But it just falls right off. Maybe we're just trying to WILL her body to start acting eight.  Ho...

As I rocked The Boy to sleep tonight I held him a little tighter, a little longer, a little closer. Somewhere out there in my town tonight, a mother is preparing to bury her son. She’s laid out her clothes and made the preparations, and she will go to bed tonight wondering what she missed. I know because I am wondering what I missed. I’m just a friend.  This Mom will turn the light out, and she’ll close her eyes and maybe she’ll sleep. I hope she sleeps. I hope she sees that she couldn’t control this. But she won’t. See, as a mom we have that guilt over everything. And when your son takes his life- how can you not wonder what you did wrong? What you missed or didn’t say? Somewhere out there, there is a Mom rocked by guilt, by grief. Her emotional pain has become so intense that it manifests as a physical ache inside her chest.  I will always wonder what I missed. But tonight, my thoughts are on this Mom. I hope she can feel the extra prayers going up to God for her. And as she...

Well. It's been quite some time since I've posted. Currently I have an old month old son, Myles. I start back to school for the fall semester in a few days. He, obviously, is the light of my life. So. Where were we? I was getting a mastectomy and finishing up school. Eventually the mastectomy will happen. I'm still adjusting in my new role as "Mom". I'm kinda rocking it, I'll be honest. Except currently I have this hardcore neck ache because The Boy is a Velcro baby. If you have kids- you know what that is. If you don't- hahahahahahahaha. Wait. Just wait. You'll hear that a lot from me now, but it's all in love and fun. I don't have many blog followers, and because it's public there won't be photos of my son, but baby photos are okay, right?   Okay. That's my love, Mr. Myles. Now that I've shared him, it's doubtful you'll see more. This boy has started trying to stand without support at 7 months old. What? They do th...