Ignore Me Like You Mean It

I’m currently waiting for my first fill. This is what I see. Here are my thoughts... Boobs = woman Boobs = femininity Boobs = stupid Boobs = powerful Boobs are dumb. They don’t control anything except maybe your ability to breast feed and my body couldn’t even get that right. I’m dressed today and representing for my team (Roll Tide!) and I finally was able to find a sports bra that fits and doesn’t hurt. They recommend you either wear the surgical compression bra or a front close sports bra.  But boobs. They do nothing. Why do they have so much power? I did my makeup today and got dressed more than I have since my mastectomy and I feel more myself. I’m not even self conscious about being flat. But I’m STILL in my feels about what my body looks like when I’m naked. One side is lopsided under the arm and the other is round. Expanders feel (did I say this already?) like a plastic milk jug that’s been trampled flat and shoved under the muscle. When I bend over I can feel m...

Tomorrow is my third post op appointment for my mastectomy and my first fill. The last week I’ve been in a significant amount of pain and I’ve been so tired. I stopped taking all medications that make me sleepy and I’m still so tired I have a hard time staying awake during the day.  I’m kind of mentally freaking about the fill. Most people don’t get feeling back in their chest and I already have. So they’ll be finding the ports in my chest and filling them with a very large (I’m told) needle. Which is supposed to cause more “discomfort”.  On top of that I have one side that is poking out under my arm so my “mound/expander” is all disfigured and weird shaped and the other side is shaped like a boob. Weird. I’m having a hard time finding a sports bra that fits tight enough but doesn’t hurt. So the hunt is still on. Here’s to construction. Or rather, reconstruction. #unBRCAble #foobs #fillmeupbuttercup #ishouldgetcookiesforthis