Today we saw the nutritionist. It didn't take long but we got some information and they suggested she mix something called Benecalorie with her food. It's tasteless and has 330 calories. She is 84 pounds. Down from 88 earlier this week.
Then Mom had a PET scan. We had to wait awhile for them to get her in. I think it seemed that way because we were very early.
Then because she had to be NPO for the PET scan we went to O'Charley's for lunch. We both know she doesn't eat a lot but it doesn't matter. It made her feel better for a little bit.
But there are things they don't tell you about cancer, about any chronic disease.
It. Is. Exhausting.
It is frustrating.
You get so fatigued and weak that you don't have the energy to move to the bathroom much less do anything else. Your mind wants to do so many things. Quilt. Play a game on your phone. Watch television. Take a walk. Read a book. Have a conversation. Binge a show.
But you just cannot do it. The extremes that they (and we- I have fibromyqlgia) are put through are ridiculous. The doctors at places like these work so hard to help. But unless they've experienced it they just can't know.
She is in a fight for her life. Her body is weak. It has been invaded by a demon that is only growing stronger.
We are not swayed by that. We will continue to pray. We will continue to laugh and encourage and to fight.
As a caregiver, the child, this is so hard. You expect to lose your parents. You don't expect to watch them waste away as they are tortured from the inside out- physically, mentally and emotionally. For some reason I guess we have the knowledge that they will die one day but we don't give thought to the process.
Let me be clear- this teeny tiny woman has the emotional and mental strength of 100 healthy people. She has fought breast cancer and then this damned pancreatic cancer twice. She has won the last three times. God is good and my Momma is a fighter.
But this is taking its toll on her. And I can't fight it for her.
All I can do is be here. Sacrifice time with The Boy (which he hates to be called now and I don't blame him) to be supportive for Mom. And do not get me wrong. There is an entire family affected by this cancer. There are brothers going to stay at the house with dad. Mom's sister has made dinners, come to visit and try and take her mind off of it, dad's partner ad a detective told me if I ever need anything to call him. So he is coming out to stay with dad and help while I'm gone since I'm their live in caregiver.
I miss The Boy. He is sacrificing as well. He's in tears tonight along with me because he misses me and thank GOD for his dad and his dad's new wife. They are... wow. And my in-laws too.
Cancer affects the entire family and often more. This- this is the stuff they don't tell you about.
They don't tell you that in 100 degree weather you'll watch your Mom pull on a jacket over her sweater.
They don't tell you that she will lose so much weight that you can count her vertebrae when you hug her or that you want to hug her so tight but you're afraid to because you don't want to break her.
It's....
Honestly there is no description for it.
Tomorrow she will see the gastro doctor and the pulmonologist. We'll hopefully know more then.
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