Ignore Me Like You Mean It

Mom left this earth on February 12, 2025. I woke up that morning to get Myles ready for school and Mom was cold. She went to meet God sometime between 2:30 am and 6:30 am. I called The Boy’s dad to come get him and take him to school as we had agreed on prior to that. I shut her bedroom doors and got him together and out the door and then I called hospice.  It was such a RELIEF knowing that she was finally gone to God. In her final days awake, my Mom begged me to kill her. She begged me to let her die. She was crying in pain even through the pain medication. Thankfully, when we got close, I was able to tell her how much I loved her and administer morphine. That kept her out of pain, asleep, and floating in her own world.  When she lost consciousness it was about 4-5 days after that when she went to meet God. One of the surreal things was that although she was unconscious, her eyes were open. Hospice assured me that was common. But it broke my heart to see her normally bright b...

I had an emotional evening with everything going on with my Mom. I started crying and Myles grabbed my hand and said, “come with me.” He led me to Mom’s room and said, “She’s still here Mom. Go hug her.”  So I did. And cried, and loved on her. Myles said “hold on,” and went out to grab my phone. He said, “ you guys need a picture “. Y’all, it took me holding her and all her strength to sit up in bed.  Then Myles took the photo of me and my Mommy. When I started crying again he told me a joke to make us laugh.  He is wise beyond his years.  Mom, forgive me for posting the photo.

 Yesterday was 5 months since I lost my Daddy. It really hit home because Dad (we call step parents bonus dads or moms) has now been placed in a memory care facility.  And for the first time this week, Dad didn’t know who I was. He thought my son was his. Mom is being denied her surgery (twice now) by insurance. They’re sentencing her to death. If they don’t do anything we’re looking at roughly 8-12 months. Then again she beat it once but they nearly killed her with that surgery. I am not okay.  I can't begin to describe the gut wrenchingly painful experience of losing my Daddy. The slow moving knowledge that he will never wrap his arms around me again.  We think of losing a parent and everyone experiences this. It's so hard. To lose a parent so swiftly, so suddenly, when they are supposed to be going home, only to be gone (I can't even write the 'D' word yet) within a week... It's indescribable. It is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. Now lose two w...

They don't tell you that you'll come home after the first visit to the Cancer Treatment Center and your plants will be dead. Not the "I forgot to water it" dead. But DEAD.    That the first thing you think upon entering the house and depositing your bag is, "Shit. Everything around me is dying." Or that weeks later you'll be listening to your boyfriend and friends playing bluegrass and you'll think of your mom. Asleep in her bed with that ridiculously hilarious sleep mask on.  How is she losing weight when she's eating 8 times a day? Did you know there's a name for "wasting away"? It's cachexia.  I hate the phrase wasting away. As if someone isn't doing something to try and help. My brothers and sister in law and I are keeping sharp tabs on her medical notes and feeding her healthy, high calorie protein rich food. But it just falls right off. Maybe we're just trying to WILL her body to start acting eight.  Ho...

In the past ten minutes I learned that between 5 different people I know, 11 people lost their lives today.  People with family. People who were scared, alone and facing the unknown. Family members who have had to call around cities to ask if any funeral homes will prepare a body for a person who died from coronavirus.  Family left with the thought that they didn’t get to say a final goodbye. They didn’t get to grieve the way we’re used to. No hugs. No kisses. Maybe a wave. If they were lucky. Kids. Old men. People who left an imprint on the lives of everyone they touched. Like Jerry Pullen. I can’t believe he’s gone. I can’t believe that in the last two weeks one of my friends lost her dad AND 6 friends. Tonight is a rough night for me. All of the loss and my loved ones hurting so badly, being so scared and worried. Watching over kids and husbands or wives in ICU. it hurts my heart so much. I wish I could just lift that pain from every one of them. You. It hurts me so much to...

It can rip your heart out, and tear your soul to pieces. It can be the voice of unspeakable love and boundless pain. Or it can be a teacher of a faith so deep that even death cannot break it. One of my favorite women in the world died on Friday. She was my Aunt Debbie. She was a teacher of strength and patience, discipline and courage. Her faith was one that I only hope to acquire someday. Amidst all her pain and faith, she held onto the faith that she would one day go home to Jesus. And she did. It's not just Debbie that demonstrated an abounding love and faith to me though. I called my Uncle Doug this evening, to talk to him, and to tell him how much I loved him and how sorry I was, how blessed I was to see both her and him before she left us. While I was calling to console my uncle, HE was trying to console me. Telling me how proud she was of me, and how much she loved me and prayed for me. He said, "Well, I miss my girl a lot. But she's way too busy up there to m...

About two weeks ago, my dog got out. He loves to run, and he always comes home, so I wasn't terribly worried. Then Bugsy, the dog who got out with him, came home. Alone. I started to worry. Fast forward ten days, and I kept having a feeling that having the chip in him wasn't enough. I needed to put posters up. So we did. I haven't slept in days, and I keep looking at his spot, wondering whose house he is in, and if there are children there. Today Aaron woke me up from a nap to tell me he had some bad news, and he had gotten a phone call from a neighbor. Apparently she was out of town, and didn't see the sign until yesterday. She's been trying to call us ever since. Bubba wandered into her property, and two of her dogs attacked and killed him. My Bubba is dead. It's so hard to write those words, and yet, I know I have to. I knew, the day after he got out, that something was wrong. I felt it. I just knew. The universe was not the same anymore. The neighbor, Ms. Hu...

It's interesting to me that I've been given a chance to see life without Aaron around. We all fear the death of our spouses, some more than others, and while he is only on the road, he's not HERE. It scares the crap out of me to have him out there on the road, away from home, and it makes me realize everything I'd be missing if I lost him. There are nights that I just sit and listen to the house, it's occasional creak and groan, and I close my eyes and I can hear his voice, and feel his arms around me. Especially at a time like now, when it's really late, and I'm missing him more than normal. It's not even the husband side of him that I miss most, although I really miss that I miss my best friend. It's like the right side of me is gone, and I'm crippled without him. Hopefully he'll be home in the next week or so, and we are both busting our butts to find work so that he can stay home. We take so much for granted. I know I do. Things like gett...