Ignore Me Like You Mean It

Mom left this earth on February 12, 2025. I woke up that morning to get Myles ready for school and Mom was cold. She went to meet God sometime between 2:30 am and 6:30 am. I called The Boy’s dad to come get him and take him to school as we had agreed on prior to that. I shut her bedroom doors and got him together and out the door and then I called hospice.  It was such a RELIEF knowing that she was finally gone to God. In her final days awake, my Mom begged me to kill her. She begged me to let her die. She was crying in pain even through the pain medication. Thankfully, when we got close, I was able to tell her how much I loved her and administer morphine. That kept her out of pain, asleep, and floating in her own world.  When she lost consciousness it was about 4-5 days after that when she went to meet God. One of the surreal things was that although she was unconscious, her eyes were open. Hospice assured me that was common. But it broke my heart to see her normally bright b...

 Yesterday was 5 months since I lost my Daddy. It really hit home because Dad (we call step parents bonus dads or moms) has now been placed in a memory care facility.  And for the first time this week, Dad didn’t know who I was. He thought my son was his. Mom is being denied her surgery (twice now) by insurance. They’re sentencing her to death. If they don’t do anything we’re looking at roughly 8-12 months. Then again she beat it once but they nearly killed her with that surgery. I am not okay.  I can't begin to describe the gut wrenchingly painful experience of losing my Daddy. The slow moving knowledge that he will never wrap his arms around me again.  We think of losing a parent and everyone experiences this. It's so hard. To lose a parent so swiftly, so suddenly, when they are supposed to be going home, only to be gone (I can't even write the 'D' word yet) within a week... It's indescribable. It is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. Now lose two w...

They don't tell you that you'll come home after the first visit to the Cancer Treatment Center and your plants will be dead. Not the "I forgot to water it" dead. But DEAD.    That the first thing you think upon entering the house and depositing your bag is, "Shit. Everything around me is dying." Or that weeks later you'll be listening to your boyfriend and friends playing bluegrass and you'll think of your mom. Asleep in her bed with that ridiculously hilarious sleep mask on.  How is she losing weight when she's eating 8 times a day? Did you know there's a name for "wasting away"? It's cachexia.  I hate the phrase wasting away. As if someone isn't doing something to try and help. My brothers and sister in law and I are keeping sharp tabs on her medical notes and feeding her healthy, high calorie protein rich food. But it just falls right off. Maybe we're just trying to WILL her body to start acting eight.  Ho...

I didn't update yesterday because it was such a long day. We had a few hours of The New Patient Experience, saw gastroenterology, pulmonology. Mom is having a biopsy via endoscopy ultrasound on Friday.  She did really well for being at the Center all day. What I'm not telling you is we got ourselves a nap between the appointments and the Experience.   Today, I'll be honest. I'm nearing panic attack right now and we're not even at the Center yet. I took one of my anxiety meds, which hasn't happened in a while. I could fall back to sleep so I'm sure Mom could too. The pulmonologist was happy the fluid in her lungs seems to be decreasing. Mom 11 happy too. She gained  1 1/4 lbs yesterday. She's been eating nonstop so hopefully we'll see more weight gain.  Later..... This is fucking scary.  All of it. Trying to get things scheduled in a way that addresses the acinar carcinoma swiftly but also being patient and not Basically Momma has a very rare cancer c...

Today we saw the nutritionist. It didn't take long but we got some information and they suggested she mix something called Benecalorie with her food. It's tasteless and has 330 calories. She is 84 pounds. Down from 88 earlier this week.  Then Mom had a PET scan. We had to wait awhile for them to get her in. I think it seemed that way because we were very early.  Then because she had to be NPO for the PET scan we went to O'Charley's for lunch. We both know she doesn't eat a lot but it doesn't matter.  It made her feel better for a little bit.  But there are things they don't tell you about cancer, about any chronic disease. It. Is. Exhausting.  It is frustrating.  You get so fatigued and weak that you don't have the energy to move to the bathroom much less do anything else. Your mind wants to do so many things. Quilt.  Play a game on your phone. Watch television.  Take a walk. Read a book. Have a conversation.  Binge a show.  But you just...

The Boy came home today and I experienced some guilt and dismay at not being able to scoop him up, cuddle him, rock him or rough house with him. He was soooo tired and I know that the next few days he’ll get less fussy. I also KNOW that this is temporary and he’s fine. He is spending lots of quality time with Grandpa, MawMaw (his choice of names) and Daddy. This is a small price to pay for no breast cancer. But you know how moms are. If we can guilt ourselves for any reason, we will. Irrational or not. Even with the knowledge that it’s irrational. Thankfully, our God is the great Healer and His healing promises are being kept with me. I am recovering quickly and well so I’m praising God for that! The hardest part of all of this has been being away from The Boy and the itching- thanks to being allergic to pain meds- and psoriasis itching. Since I don’t need the pain meds, I’m only itching from the psoriasis.  I knew the separation would be very hard for me. But still. Anyways....

Yesterday was my very first, successful breast surgeon appointment. By successful, I mean I didn't run screaming into the parking lot. So there's that. Dr. Winchester at St. Vincent's in Birmingham (Yes, I'm totally plugging her) is amazing. We got there at 4:30 pm. The appointment was at 5. We walked out at around 7:45 after being called back in around 7:00. When we first arrived, even at that late hour, the waiting room was full. Which was surprising, but not THAT surprising. Because I have no cancer and no cells that may be cancer, my appointment consisted mainly of meeting, taking a measure of each other, and then getting my vitals and history. She made sure to give me all my choices to prevent cancer, aside from the mastectomy that I was there to talk about. She examined me and said I was perfect for what's called a "nipple sparing prophylactic mastectomy". We'll call that NSPM for short from now on. So she explained that she does the best NSPM e...

I woke up earlier than normal today and decided to get out of bed and have my cup of coffee alone and in the sun of my kitchen nook.  In all the running of every day between work and school, I wanted to just take a moment. Today is going to be a beautiful spring day. Tomorrow is my first appointment with a breast cancer doctor that specializes in breasts. I've been sitting on positive BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 results for about ten years now, and after seeing a few doctors and plastic surgeons (scary ones!) here and then over the years, it's finally time to decide for good whether or not my prophylactic mastectomy will take place. Andrew (my husband) and I have talked it over so many times that we're both great with the idea of lowering my cancer risk to 5% or lower, especially after it being around 94%. But facing it actually happening is another story. So I'm trying to get back to center and start just being quiet and aware. Turning the phone off. Turning the TV off and j...

"Badge of Courage" I wear this badge of courage on my chest, To tell the world that I'm not like the rest… I may be small and I may be frail, But this little lady is tougher than nails. I wear a badge of courage on my chest To remind me of a weaker woman, It's not small or silver, or a braided gold, Just something that reminds me to let her go. I may be tired and scared, but I'm not weak, I'm the one who beat this thing while standing Within arms open wide, on my own two feet. Scars are brazen and never heal, At least that's the way I think it feels. Sexy is a state of mind, and if I am then so are you. Does your badge lie upon your chest too? Krystal D. Dailey © 2004

First let me say the move went well, and we are all doing great. Praise God. Aaron has a job interview tomorrow. Today I want to talk about cancer. That vicious disease that takes our mothers, our daughters, sisters, friends, grandmothers, boobies, uteri, and all our menfolk as well. Little is known about the genes behind cancer by the public, unless you are one of those fortunate few to be able to be diagnosed with it, in which case, PLEASE make sure your relatives are tested as well. I will be giving you all facts as I know them, as well as my references for those facts, so you can decide for yourselves. First a brief history on these two terrible genes, BRCA1 and BRCA2. Please note that the following is taken from http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/risk/brca After reading all that is below, please take a moment and ask yourself, if you were to be tested positive for this gene, wouldn't you want a second opinion? http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/13/health/13patent.html Th...