Ignore Me Like You Mean It

I’m currently waiting for my first fill. This is what I see. Here are my thoughts... Boobs = woman Boobs = femininity Boobs = stupid Boobs = powerful Boobs are dumb. They don’t control anything except maybe your ability to breast feed and my body couldn’t even get that right. I’m dressed today and representing for my team (Roll Tide!) and I finally was able to find a sports bra that fits and doesn’t hurt. They recommend you either wear the surgical compression bra or a front close sports bra.  But boobs. They do nothing. Why do they have so much power? I did my makeup today and got dressed more than I have since my mastectomy and I feel more myself. I’m not even self conscious about being flat. But I’m STILL in my feels about what my body looks like when I’m naked. One side is lopsided under the arm and the other is round. Expanders feel (did I say this already?) like a plastic milk jug that’s been trampled flat and shoved under the muscle. When I bend over I can feel m...

Tomorrow is my third post op appointment for my mastectomy and my first fill. The last week I’ve been in a significant amount of pain and I’ve been so tired. I stopped taking all medications that make me sleepy and I’m still so tired I have a hard time staying awake during the day.  I’m kind of mentally freaking about the fill. Most people don’t get feeling back in their chest and I already have. So they’ll be finding the ports in my chest and filling them with a very large (I’m told) needle. Which is supposed to cause more “discomfort”.  On top of that I have one side that is poking out under my arm so my “mound/expander” is all disfigured and weird shaped and the other side is shaped like a boob. Weird. I’m having a hard time finding a sports bra that fits tight enough but doesn’t hurt. So the hunt is still on. Here’s to construction. Or rather, reconstruction. #unBRCAble #foobs #fillmeupbuttercup #ishouldgetcookiesforthis

Two weeks post mastectomy with drain totals around 25-30mL and my drains came out! For those of you going through this- take your pain meds before you go. I had planned on taking mine 30 minutes prior to removal. I put it in my pocket and took my water on the car ride so I wouldn’t forget. Unfortunately because of my OTHER medical issue (my memory) I realized after the removal that the reason it hurt so much to remove the drains was because I forgot to take the pill. Whoops!  So yes. If this is something you are going through, take the pain medication. Make sure you give it time to work. My nurse told me to breath in on 3 and then out on 3 and then she pulled the drain. I could literally feel the drain (which was stitched to my side) under my pectoral muscle. As it was pulled out I could feel it unwinding in my CHEST. *shudder*  The anticipation is the worst and yes it’s as bad as you think it will be. My stitches came out today as well and that was nothing. Nothing at all. Pl...

Today was a much better day. I’m praising God specifically because my back is on the mend and Myles has been around all weekend. Thank God. My mastectomy stuff has turned into pain from the muscles and where they took breast tissue. My chest looks misshapen because of the missing tissue and because the expander hasn’t been filled yet. So my skin drops from the breastbone ridge or whatever, dips backwards into my chest and then comes up and back out to meet with the rest of it. Gross. Drains come out Tuesday and HOPEFULLY he’ll start filling but I don’t expect him to. Andrew has been so amazing through all of this. He’s amazing ANYWAY. But this- I don’t know why I was worried.... Oh yes I do. Because I’m a type A control freak.  This has been really good for our marriage because I’m HAVING to let things go and just trust him. Instead of trying to control everything. It’s very hard to do and has nothing to do with who I’m with. I just have to be in charge. So it’s definitely an eye o...

Today I am 8 days post op from my mastectomy. Yesterday I broke down sobbing because I miss The Boy so bad. Since my back went out I’ve been unable even to love on him. Every movement makes my back spasm. It’s VERY slowly getting better, but that means that walking to the kitchen and back puts me down for hours. My expanders feel as if they are coming out under my armpits. It feels like there are foreign objects in my chest. I’ll call them bricks. My chest is still misshapen because there’s nothing in there but tissue expanders. I was supposed to get my drains out today, but apparently Dr. B forgot they were closed today. So Tuesday morning it is because it’s a holiday weekend. My drain totals are under 30mL. I have had to use the pillows under my arms because they are very sensitive and uncomfortable now. Uncomfortable isn’t even the right word. We’re pretty sure I threw my back out by wiggling on my butt into the bed. I have an adjustable bed so that’s been helpful. But with four her...

So around 3 am last night I took a shower. I just couldn’t sleep without showering. So after showering I inspected my chest and it doesn’t bother me to look at all. It looks really great.  The weird way that my chest is shaped is because of the Saran Wrap that’s still on. That will stay on until my post op appointment tomorrow with the PS. The surgical bra is really uncomfortable and tight, so I called the PS to see if I can take it off yet. They said that I’ll be wearing a bra for months and months and months. Ugh. But I can take this off and get a front close sports bra, provides it has some compression. PS said it shouldn’t be uncomfortably tight, but it should be compressed. So sweet sweet, life handling Husband is going to be stopping by The WallWorld and getting me a few sports bras.  I’m not sleeping well because I’ve had insomnia for over a decade and I can’t take my sleeping pills and my muscle relaxers. Gah. Constipation isn’t an issue because there are no pain pills...

Tonight The Boy cuddled with me while watching Coco. After sleeping from 7pm to 7am with Daddy. I got tons of cuddles, kisses and fist bumps, and Boy and Daddy get to cuddle at night. Sweet guys. And yes. Because this is a public blog The Boy’s face will not be published.  That’s sad for y’all because this child is the most gorgeous boy in the world. Smart, kind, funny, thoughtful, and sweet. So sad. Anywho.  Today I have an itch on my left side under my arm, where I have no feeling. But when I scratch there, I can’t feel it. Because it’s numb. But it itches. And I can feel it. Wut? So... that makes no sense. Surgical compression bras SUCK. Let me repeat. They SUCK. My psoriasis itches under them, everything is compressed and I really want to rip this Saran Wrap and tape OFF my flat flat man chest. Currently my expanders feel like bricks. Not because they are heavy, but because I am pretty sure they’re actually plastic inside me and I can feel them when I scratch my ch...

The Boy came home today and I experienced some guilt and dismay at not being able to scoop him up, cuddle him, rock him or rough house with him. He was soooo tired and I know that the next few days he’ll get less fussy. I also KNOW that this is temporary and he’s fine. He is spending lots of quality time with Grandpa, MawMaw (his choice of names) and Daddy. This is a small price to pay for no breast cancer. But you know how moms are. If we can guilt ourselves for any reason, we will. Irrational or not. Even with the knowledge that it’s irrational. Thankfully, our God is the great Healer and His healing promises are being kept with me. I am recovering quickly and well so I’m praising God for that! The hardest part of all of this has been being away from The Boy and the itching- thanks to being allergic to pain meds- and psoriasis itching. Since I don’t need the pain meds, I’m only itching from the psoriasis.  I knew the separation would be very hard for me. But still. Anyways....

Well I did it. I looked at my post- mastectomy chest. It’s not horrid. I’m horrified- but it looks really good and if it weren’t on me, it wouldn’t bother me. On week 3 post op we’ll start the expanding and my reconstruction process will begin. My nipples stayed and aside from the swelling and stuff, everyone thinks it looks fantastic. So here’s to first steps.

Today The Husband and I went to my pre- admission testing, as well as my blood doctor appointment because with Hughes Syndrome, you have to have the blood dude sign off on all major surgeries. We will be arriving at the hospital at 5 am-ish that morning. By that evening, I will be boobless but my cancer risk will be almost ZERO!!! What!! The day before surgery we’ll go see the PS so I can be “marked” for surgery that way they don’t have to do it the day of. Dr. B likes to study his patients the night before, their photos, and really put a plan together. I’m so thankful for a thorough PS.  Currently I’m freaking about letting go of everything and letting The Husband handle it, but I’m trying. The next five days will be a flurry of time spent hugging The Boy, cleaning, spending time with The Husband and then we’ll stay the night in The City the night before.  Deep breaths. This is actually happening. As for the photo, if I had a nickel for every time someone compared my choice w...

Today I’m feeling some kind of way. I learned that most women don’t ever regain feeling in their breasts and that their foobs just feel like bricks on their chest. Aside from vanity, would it not be better just to cut the breast tissue out and call it good? Maybe get a pretty tattoo? I don’t know. I know that thinking about it- there’s no question. Do I possibly subject The Boy to a life without his Mom just to keep my breasts? No. So the answer is clear. The surgery it is. I don’t want to live with an axe hanging over my head. Period. I’m tired of that. But I really don’t want to lose my boobs. They’re new after The Boy. They’re, yes, pretty. I’ve never had them before. Haha.  But I’m certainly not going to miss The Boy’s first anything because I wanted to keep my boobs, especially if I can help it. Anyways. Today I’m feeling some kind of way. I honestly don’t feel like I have a choice. 18 days and counting down. #unBRCAble #savethewomennottheboobies

A few day ago I got my date. My pre-admission testing is on August 16 and my PBM (preventive bilateral (that means both of them) mastectomy) is scheduled for August 23rd. Am I ready? HECK YEAH! Am I nervous? Probably not until that morning. Am I emotional? Not yet and that worries me. I have a feeling the emotions will come after the surgery. I’d rather not do emotions and pain killers but there it is. Is my house ready? Nah bruh. If you’re reading this and you know me, we still need people to help with cleaning and people to sign up for bringing over meals. The Husband will be handling my 19 month old son, but he is a handful and keeping everything clean, caring for me, cooking, caring for The Boy- that’s a lot for one person. We’ll take all the help we can get. And now it’s apparently the end of bath time as The Boy is trying to climb out. See ya soon.

In 2016 I had a bilateral mastectomy scheduled in order to prevent breast cancer because my risk puts me at a 98% chance of getting breast cancer.  I found out I was pregnant with The Boy and now he is a whopping 18 months old. And it’s time to make sure I don’t have to fight for my life. So The Man and I have spoken to my doctors and we are moving forward with my preventive bilateral mastectomy. If you follow this page, the next little while will be posts about breast cancer and PBM’s. I’m very well versed in this, so if you continue to follow my page, please share. It’s so important for men and women to have genetic testing done.  Please pray for us as I go through this process and bear with me as I share a lot of TMI and photos etc.

 Today was my first appointment with one of the plastic surgeons that was chosen for me by my breast surgeon based on my other medical issues. This surgeon was Dr. Michael Beckenstein in Birmingham, AL. First, and one of the most annoying things about this trip actually had nothing to do with the doctor, and everything to do with our recent move and insurance.              Unfortunately my Blue Cross insurance decided that it could just do whatever it wanted (as if its a living entity) and they didn't notify us that our policy was changed and we now needed to have a referral not from my breast surgeon but from a primary care doctor. For everything. So even if one specialist refers me to another, I STILL have to go back to a primary doctor in order to get that referral. That was stressful.  Aside from the insurance headaches, when we first got to the office, it was very homey and comfortable. Andrew and I were taken in to watch a video...

Today has been a super rough day for me. First, aside from Thursday turning out to be Monday's ridiculously ugly sister in terms of all the random crazy that happened,  I lost someone who has been a dear friend of mine for 20 years on Sunday. He died from cancer. Kind of funny in a "haha life is giving us the middle finger" kind of way, isn't it? He started out as a pen pal and became one of my closest and dearest loved ones. On top of my super emotional week (please forgive my excessive use of the word "super". It's apparently made it's way without fail into my vocabulary lately.) I am now plagued with doubts about my 12 year in the making decision to have my prophylactic mastectomy. My doctors all agree that it's the best course. Even the doctors who aren't making money off of me agree. So all in all, being the logical "separate your emotions from your brain" person that I am, I should be fine. But I'm not. You see, no one...

Today I got the call from my breast surgeon with her recommendation on who would be best not only for my reconstruction but also for my particular set of medical issues. On April 20th I'll be going in to see Dr. Michael Beckenstein at St. Vincent's Hospital in Birmingham to discuss my options for my reconstruction. At this point I'm just trying not to completely obsess over what's going on soon. But it's hard to do because I really just want to get this over with and deal with it.  I've started to compose some questions to ask my plastic surgeon. Maybe they could help you. - How long will my surgery take? - What are my best options/choices for reconstruction? - Where will my scars be? - Will there be sutures to remove after surgery? - How long will my hospital stay be? - How long until I can work, drive, have sex? - What kind of anesthesia will be used? - What is the percentage of infection? - How many drains will I have? - How long will I have the drains? - How...

Yesterday was my very first, successful breast surgeon appointment. By successful, I mean I didn't run screaming into the parking lot. So there's that. Dr. Winchester at St. Vincent's in Birmingham (Yes, I'm totally plugging her) is amazing. We got there at 4:30 pm. The appointment was at 5. We walked out at around 7:45 after being called back in around 7:00. When we first arrived, even at that late hour, the waiting room was full. Which was surprising, but not THAT surprising. Because I have no cancer and no cells that may be cancer, my appointment consisted mainly of meeting, taking a measure of each other, and then getting my vitals and history. She made sure to give me all my choices to prevent cancer, aside from the mastectomy that I was there to talk about. She examined me and said I was perfect for what's called a "nipple sparing prophylactic mastectomy". We'll call that NSPM for short from now on. So she explained that she does the best NSPM e...

I woke up earlier than normal today and decided to get out of bed and have my cup of coffee alone and in the sun of my kitchen nook.  In all the running of every day between work and school, I wanted to just take a moment. Today is going to be a beautiful spring day. Tomorrow is my first appointment with a breast cancer doctor that specializes in breasts. I've been sitting on positive BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 results for about ten years now, and after seeing a few doctors and plastic surgeons (scary ones!) here and then over the years, it's finally time to decide for good whether or not my prophylactic mastectomy will take place. Andrew (my husband) and I have talked it over so many times that we're both great with the idea of lowering my cancer risk to 5% or lower, especially after it being around 94%. But facing it actually happening is another story. So I'm trying to get back to center and start just being quiet and aware. Turning the phone off. Turning the TV off and j...