Ignore Me Like You Mean It

Mom left this earth on February 12, 2025. I woke up that morning to get Myles ready for school and Mom was cold. She went to meet God sometime between 2:30 am and 6:30 am. I called The Boy’s dad to come get him and take him to school as we had agreed on prior to that. I shut her bedroom doors and got him together and out the door and then I called hospice.  It was such a RELIEF knowing that she was finally gone to God. In her final days awake, my Mom begged me to kill her. She begged me to let her die. She was crying in pain even through the pain medication. Thankfully, when we got close, I was able to tell her how much I loved her and administer morphine. That kept her out of pain, asleep, and floating in her own world.  When she lost consciousness it was about 4-5 days after that when she went to meet God. One of the surreal things was that although she was unconscious, her eyes were open. Hospice assured me that was common. But it broke my heart to see her normally bright b...

I had an emotional evening with everything going on with my Mom. I started crying and Myles grabbed my hand and said, “come with me.” He led me to Mom’s room and said, “She’s still here Mom. Go hug her.”  So I did. And cried, and loved on her. Myles said “hold on,” and went out to grab my phone. He said, “ you guys need a picture “. Y’all, it took me holding her and all her strength to sit up in bed.  Then Myles took the photo of me and my Mommy. When I started crying again he told me a joke to make us laugh.  He is wise beyond his years.  Mom, forgive me for posting the photo.

As I rocked The Boy to sleep tonight I held him a little tighter, a little longer, a little closer. Somewhere out there in my town tonight, a mother is preparing to bury her son. She’s laid out her clothes and made the preparations, and she will go to bed tonight wondering what she missed. I know because I am wondering what I missed. I’m just a friend.  This Mom will turn the light out, and she’ll close her eyes and maybe she’ll sleep. I hope she sleeps. I hope she sees that she couldn’t control this. But she won’t. See, as a mom we have that guilt over everything. And when your son takes his life- how can you not wonder what you did wrong? What you missed or didn’t say? Somewhere out there, there is a Mom rocked by guilt, by grief. Her emotional pain has become so intense that it manifests as a physical ache inside her chest.  I will always wonder what I missed. But tonight, my thoughts are on this Mom. I hope she can feel the extra prayers going up to God for her. And as she...

It can rip your heart out, and tear your soul to pieces. It can be the voice of unspeakable love and boundless pain. Or it can be a teacher of a faith so deep that even death cannot break it. One of my favorite women in the world died on Friday. She was my Aunt Debbie. She was a teacher of strength and patience, discipline and courage. Her faith was one that I only hope to acquire someday. Amidst all her pain and faith, she held onto the faith that she would one day go home to Jesus. And she did. It's not just Debbie that demonstrated an abounding love and faith to me though. I called my Uncle Doug this evening, to talk to him, and to tell him how much I loved him and how sorry I was, how blessed I was to see both her and him before she left us. While I was calling to console my uncle, HE was trying to console me. Telling me how proud she was of me, and how much she loved me and prayed for me. He said, "Well, I miss my girl a lot. But she's way too busy up there to m...

Things I'm learning are that you can't make your heart feel a certain way, and that sometimes, you just have to let it take some time to heal. I thought I was over the whole "I really want kids" thing. With my stepsons 18th birthday coming up, Christmas, graduation for him, I realize I'm not. I want the best of both worlds, and I can't that. I also can't have kids. So I've decided to bide my time, and remember that I've wanted kids my whole life, so it's going to take some time to heal, and this wound... this LOSS, will never fully heal. It's hard to allow myself to cry, but I'm discovering I can grieve in other ways, and I can deal in other ways. I just can't force myself to feel something I don't, and that is "okay" with how this whole thing turned out. More to come, I'm sure.