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Anxiety, Caregiving, Separation from Kids and other anxiety and depression related things

 Today was a super hard day. 


Yesterday I was supposed to leave with The Man to go to California for a vacation. Something everyone, including Momma said I needed. Well, American Airlines canceled the flight due to the weather in DFW. 


I took a 1/4 of my Xanax (which I've never taken) to sleep last night and woke up feeling emotionally, physically and mentally unstable in an EXTREME way. Add to that when I'm away from The Boy from more than a few days it really hits my depression in a way that nothing else, even the stuff with my Momma does. 


Today was taxing. It was hard to keep my head on straight and I felt like I was going crazy. I felt as if I couldn't control anything and needed to be hospitalized. Not because I'm suicidal or even depressed. But because my level of stress and anxiety is so beyond the norm that I felt like I just needed to be placed somewhere safe without anything to say, do, or experience. Except The Boy. 


The Man is amazed by my level of love for The Boy. I'm amazed that he is amazed. I miss The Boy so much that sometimes I feel guilty that I don't FEEL that level for God. I LOVE God that much. I have so much faith and joy it's insane. Even now, I CAN get out of my head if I work on it. But this much stress and anxiety is not healthy for one person and I need to be able to get some talk therapy and/or hypnoses. I think I'm going to go for the hypnoses. Ed Martin at the Alabama Hypnosis Clinic has really helped with my sleep and speed learning so I'm going back. It's in Birmingham. 


I'm rambling and The Man and I have to be on a plane at o'dark thirty so I reckon I should get off of here. I think I'm going to print them all out for The Boy since I can't write as quickly in his journal as I can on here. I don't know. I don't know anything except The Boy and The Man love me, God is my no. 1 love but I've been slacking on my relationship and that I feel like I'm about to break down at any moment. Only God is getting me through this. 


Tomorrow we head to Los Angeles to start our (belated) trip to Cali. Definitely more later. Being a caregiver is so damn hard. Being a single mom and a caregiver is..... excruciating. 


More later. Probably tomorrow if I sleep well. 



~k~

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Kieyah said…
I understand your love for your son but you have to be in good shape to take care of him. Well, at least that's what the tell me. Because of that love, you will do what it takes to make him happy. YOU being happy and in a good space makes him happy.
October 2, 2021 at 12:57 PM
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