Ignore Me Like You Mean It

The Boy has spent all 5 days with his dad. Thursday to Monday evening. Then he came home. He was so tired he didn’t want to talk.  So we ended up going to bed and reading Harry Potter (Prisoner of Azkaban). He wanted on the internet but no. I told him no. Eventually he fell asleep.  Today we woke up and he immediately asked if he could go to MawMaw and PawPaw’s. I said, “you don’t want to stay home and spend time with me?” He said: no I want to visit them.  Cue the first time my feelings have been really hurt by him. He asked for a hug. I’ve always told him I will always hug him.  I said, “I don’t want a hug right now because my feelings are hurt. But in a minute I’ll give you a hug.” We went into the living room and he was crying. I asked why. He said, “because you are mad at me and you think I hurt your feelings on purpose.” Well, I quickly set that straight. I told him I knew 100% that he didn’t hurt my feelings on purpose and I knew he never would. That I was abs...

Things I'm learning are that you can't make your heart feel a certain way, and that sometimes, you just have to let it take some time to heal. I thought I was over the whole "I really want kids" thing. With my stepsons 18th birthday coming up, Christmas, graduation for him, I realize I'm not. I want the best of both worlds, and I can't that. I also can't have kids. So I've decided to bide my time, and remember that I've wanted kids my whole life, so it's going to take some time to heal, and this wound... this LOSS, will never fully heal. It's hard to allow myself to cry, but I'm discovering I can grieve in other ways, and I can deal in other ways. I just can't force myself to feel something I don't, and that is "okay" with how this whole thing turned out. More to come, I'm sure.