Ignore Me Like You Mean It

Daddy- You're on the ventilator.  It's been about 2 1/2   days. Daddy I love you. I've been praying for your healing.  I just got done again. Anytime I think of you- all the time- I pray.  I can't believe you've been ventilated after doing so well.  I hate this. I want my strong Daddy back. I'm comforted by the fact that we talked about your death and I know you're ready to meet Jesus.  If you don't wake up, hug Him hard for me okay? And then I think, maybe you'll wake up and have a story to tell from the other side.  My heart is simultaneously at peace and shattering into pieces I can't catch. I wish I had more time with you. I wish we didn't live so far away. I wish so many things that I can't make come true.  The biggest thing- I just wish- one more time- to feel your arms around me or have you pop around the corner with a snake or mask. I promised you I won't lose my faith. I don't break promises.   I'll always follow Jesu...

They don't tell you that you'll come home after the first visit to the Cancer Treatment Center and your plants will be dead. Not the "I forgot to water it" dead. But DEAD.    That the first thing you think upon entering the house and depositing your bag is, "Shit. Everything around me is dying." Or that weeks later you'll be listening to your boyfriend and friends playing bluegrass and you'll think of your mom. Asleep in her bed with that ridiculously hilarious sleep mask on.  How is she losing weight when she's eating 8 times a day? Did you know there's a name for "wasting away"? It's cachexia.  I hate the phrase wasting away. As if someone isn't doing something to try and help. My brothers and sister in law and I are keeping sharp tabs on her medical notes and feeding her healthy, high calorie protein rich food. But it just falls right off. Maybe we're just trying to WILL her body to start acting eight.  Ho...

 Today was a super hard day.  Yesterday I was supposed to leave with The Man to go to California for a vacation. Something everyone, including Momma said I needed. Well, American Airlines canceled the flight due to the weather in DFW.  I took a 1/4 of my Xanax (which I've never taken) to sleep last night and woke up feeling emotionally, physically and mentally unstable in an EXTREME way. Add to that when I'm away from The Boy from more than a few days it really hits my depression in a way that nothing else, even the stuff with my Momma does.  Today was taxing. It was hard to keep my head on straight and I felt like I was going crazy. I felt as if I couldn't control anything and needed to be hospitalized. Not because I'm suicidal or even depressed. But because my level of stress and anxiety is so beyond the norm that I felt like I just needed to be placed somewhere safe without anything to say, do, or experience. Except The Boy.  The Man is amazed by my level of ...

I didn't update yesterday because it was such a long day. We had a few hours of The New Patient Experience, saw gastroenterology, pulmonology. Mom is having a biopsy via endoscopy ultrasound on Friday.  She did really well for being at the Center all day. What I'm not telling you is we got ourselves a nap between the appointments and the Experience.   Today, I'll be honest. I'm nearing panic attack right now and we're not even at the Center yet. I took one of my anxiety meds, which hasn't happened in a while. I could fall back to sleep so I'm sure Mom could too. The pulmonologist was happy the fluid in her lungs seems to be decreasing. Mom 11 happy too. She gained  1 1/4 lbs yesterday. She's been eating nonstop so hopefully we'll see more weight gain.  Later..... This is fucking scary.  All of it. Trying to get things scheduled in a way that addresses the acinar carcinoma swiftly but also being patient and not Basically Momma has a very rare cancer c...

Today we saw the nutritionist. It didn't take long but we got some information and they suggested she mix something called Benecalorie with her food. It's tasteless and has 330 calories. She is 84 pounds. Down from 88 earlier this week.  Then Mom had a PET scan. We had to wait awhile for them to get her in. I think it seemed that way because we were very early.  Then because she had to be NPO for the PET scan we went to O'Charley's for lunch. We both know she doesn't eat a lot but it doesn't matter.  It made her feel better for a little bit.  But there are things they don't tell you about cancer, about any chronic disease. It. Is. Exhausting.  It is frustrating.  You get so fatigued and weak that you don't have the energy to move to the bathroom much less do anything else. Your mind wants to do so many things. Quilt.  Play a game on your phone. Watch television.  Take a walk. Read a book. Have a conversation.  Binge a show.  But you just...

Well,  I'm laying in the bed next to my mom as she snores (yes you do, mom). Here are photos from earlier.  She's extremely weak and has a huge appetite but can't eat more than a bite or two at a time.  It's so surreal to have this force in my life who has shaped me; this strong woman who has battled cancer and won four times be laying in this hotel room and weighing less than 90 pounds.  In my head she is strong, decisive,  larger than life.  She taught me to always laugh,  even in the bad situations- especially at the bad; to have faith in God, speak life and to always carry some type of weapon.  Of course I'll be updating every day because I have to write it out somewhere.  Watching both of your parents rapidly deteriorate at the same time is... indescribably difficult.  It comes with anxiety,  frustration,  gratefulness, faith,  anger and a whole heap of patience that waxes and wanes. Tomorrow i...

 My scars are markings where the structure of my character has been welded together.