Ignore Me Like You Mean It

Today I am 8 days post op from my mastectomy. Yesterday I broke down sobbing because I miss The Boy so bad. Since my back went out I’ve been unable even to love on him. Every movement makes my back spasm. It’s VERY slowly getting better, but that means that walking to the kitchen and back puts me down for hours. My expanders feel as if they are coming out under my armpits. It feels like there are foreign objects in my chest. I’ll call them bricks. My chest is still misshapen because there’s nothing in there but tissue expanders. I was supposed to get my drains out today, but apparently Dr. B forgot they were closed today. So Tuesday morning it is because it’s a holiday weekend. My drain totals are under 30mL. I have had to use the pillows under my arms because they are very sensitive and uncomfortable now. Uncomfortable isn’t even the right word. We’re pretty sure I threw my back out by wiggling on my butt into the bed. I have an adjustable bed so that’s been helpful. But with four her...

So around 3 am last night I took a shower. I just couldn’t sleep without showering. So after showering I inspected my chest and it doesn’t bother me to look at all. It looks really great.  The weird way that my chest is shaped is because of the Saran Wrap that’s still on. That will stay on until my post op appointment tomorrow with the PS. The surgical bra is really uncomfortable and tight, so I called the PS to see if I can take it off yet. They said that I’ll be wearing a bra for months and months and months. Ugh. But I can take this off and get a front close sports bra, provides it has some compression. PS said it shouldn’t be uncomfortably tight, but it should be compressed. So sweet sweet, life handling Husband is going to be stopping by The WallWorld and getting me a few sports bras.  I’m not sleeping well because I’ve had insomnia for over a decade and I can’t take my sleeping pills and my muscle relaxers. Gah. Constipation isn’t an issue because there are no pain pills...

Tonight The Boy cuddled with me while watching Coco. After sleeping from 7pm to 7am with Daddy. I got tons of cuddles, kisses and fist bumps, and Boy and Daddy get to cuddle at night. Sweet guys. And yes. Because this is a public blog The Boy’s face will not be published.  That’s sad for y’all because this child is the most gorgeous boy in the world. Smart, kind, funny, thoughtful, and sweet. So sad. Anywho.  Today I have an itch on my left side under my arm, where I have no feeling. But when I scratch there, I can’t feel it. Because it’s numb. But it itches. And I can feel it. Wut? So... that makes no sense. Surgical compression bras SUCK. Let me repeat. They SUCK. My psoriasis itches under them, everything is compressed and I really want to rip this Saran Wrap and tape OFF my flat flat man chest. Currently my expanders feel like bricks. Not because they are heavy, but because I am pretty sure they’re actually plastic inside me and I can feel them when I scratch my ch...

The Boy came home today and I experienced some guilt and dismay at not being able to scoop him up, cuddle him, rock him or rough house with him. He was soooo tired and I know that the next few days he’ll get less fussy. I also KNOW that this is temporary and he’s fine. He is spending lots of quality time with Grandpa, MawMaw (his choice of names) and Daddy. This is a small price to pay for no breast cancer. But you know how moms are. If we can guilt ourselves for any reason, we will. Irrational or not. Even with the knowledge that it’s irrational. Thankfully, our God is the great Healer and His healing promises are being kept with me. I am recovering quickly and well so I’m praising God for that! The hardest part of all of this has been being away from The Boy and the itching- thanks to being allergic to pain meds- and psoriasis itching. Since I don’t need the pain meds, I’m only itching from the psoriasis.  I knew the separation would be very hard for me. But still. Anyways....

Well I did it. I looked at my post- mastectomy chest. It’s not horrid. I’m horrified- but it looks really good and if it weren’t on me, it wouldn’t bother me. On week 3 post op we’ll start the expanding and my reconstruction process will begin. My nipples stayed and aside from the swelling and stuff, everyone thinks it looks fantastic. So here’s to first steps.

Well the muscle relaxers are messing with me. I’m tired but can’t sleep (insomnia, not pain). I’ve got a super high pain tolerance and since Dr. B said moving is important I’ve been following his orders to the T. To a T? The T? I don’t know. I’ve been following them. I got a huge care package from my mother in law and it is the best. It’s got a big reclining pillow, candle, back washer, an adorable comfy robe with a hood, a beautiful throw blanket... she spoils me.  My pain is at around a 7. 6-7. Most of the pain is localized under my arms, as well as underneath my surgical bra. I’ve been able to sort of get on my side to sleep, but it’s more being propped on a pillow under my back and then making sure I have something under my arms. I was able to shower today, doctors orders. I haven’t been able to look at my chest yet. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’m not ready. I’m happy and I’m super upbeat about my recovery... but not yet. And I haven’t seen The Boy yet. That hurts. I m...

August 23 came and went.  I had my stuffing taken out around 7am and tissue expanders put in. I’m super sore. My drain sites are painful. But I’m home. The Boy turned 20 months old and is staying with Mawmaw and Grandpa (he chose the names). I woke up with a surgical bra on, a ton of padding underneath and two drains. Because all pain meds either break me out or make me itch, I’m on Tylenol and a muscle relaxer. It’s not painful- it’s super sore. Almost like someone got done beating each side of my chest with a bag of boulders.  I get to shower tomorrow and I LOVE Dr. Beckenstein for that.  More later. I need a nap. I was going to share my boobs here- but if you’re a woman going through this- you can PM me and I’ll show you the progression. I’ve decided not to share. I’m a Previvor!!! No cancer in these boobs!!! #unBRCAble #previvor

This week I received a surgery gift from my sister and her mom. They are pillows, a drain holder that goes around the neck and one for the shower! Her mom made the pillows and I’m so thankful as I was in need of them for my mastectomy.

Today The Husband and I went to my pre- admission testing, as well as my blood doctor appointment because with Hughes Syndrome, you have to have the blood dude sign off on all major surgeries. We will be arriving at the hospital at 5 am-ish that morning. By that evening, I will be boobless but my cancer risk will be almost ZERO!!! What!! The day before surgery we’ll go see the PS so I can be “marked” for surgery that way they don’t have to do it the day of. Dr. B likes to study his patients the night before, their photos, and really put a plan together. I’m so thankful for a thorough PS.  Currently I’m freaking about letting go of everything and letting The Husband handle it, but I’m trying. The next five days will be a flurry of time spent hugging The Boy, cleaning, spending time with The Husband and then we’ll stay the night in The City the night before.  Deep breaths. This is actually happening. As for the photo, if I had a nickel for every time someone compared my choice w...

I learned that I’ll lose the feeling in my chest after my mastectomy and reconstruction. I asked The Husband where he physically feels me or The Boy when we hug him. He said his chest. Which means if I don’t have feeling in my chest I won’t be able to feel either of them hug me. I’m not going to lie. I’m pretty upset by this. This evening the emotions are here.  The Husband lost his mom young. She never met The Boy, she wasn’t at our wedding and she’s missed most of his adult life. That’s not a risk I’m willing to take for The Boy. Come hell or high water I will be alive for my son. Period. Cancer isn’t going to get me. I just need to remember that 1) God’s got this and 2) the next 40 years with my son are totally worth it. #unBRCAble #previvor 

Today I’m feeling some kind of way. I learned that most women don’t ever regain feeling in their breasts and that their foobs just feel like bricks on their chest. Aside from vanity, would it not be better just to cut the breast tissue out and call it good? Maybe get a pretty tattoo? I don’t know. I know that thinking about it- there’s no question. Do I possibly subject The Boy to a life without his Mom just to keep my breasts? No. So the answer is clear. The surgery it is. I don’t want to live with an axe hanging over my head. Period. I’m tired of that. But I really don’t want to lose my boobs. They’re new after The Boy. They’re, yes, pretty. I’ve never had them before. Haha.  But I’m certainly not going to miss The Boy’s first anything because I wanted to keep my boobs, especially if I can help it. Anyways. Today I’m feeling some kind of way. I honestly don’t feel like I have a choice. 18 days and counting down. #unBRCAble #savethewomennottheboobies