Amazingly enough, I've become the housewife. Only, I am not the typical housewife. I don't have kids, and my husband isn't at home to take care of anymore. Which....I can say, I really don't know what to do. I am going out of my mind, and he's only been gone four three days. I miss him, but that's not it totally. The fact that I don't have that face to face contact with him, and the only people I see aside from when I go to church are my in-laws, makes things difficult. I am bored out of my freaking MIND. I play my games, and I clean up after myself, and dust and vaccuum, and play with the dogs. But, I mean, I am going nowhere. School doesn't start for a freaking MONTH, and then it's only two classes. I don't know when I'll see Aaron again, especially with what's going on at the school now. I feel....LOST. Like I don't know where I am going or what I am doing. Maybe it's just a bad day? I don't know. I want to start volunteering at the animal shelter, but that will cost me gas money, and we can't afford that yet. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to FIND things for myself to do, and NONE of them is mentally stimulating. I miss my husband more than I care to admit. I'm sure he hasn't read all of my emails, and if he has, I haven't received anything back from him. Our conversation tonight was less than stimulating, mostly because of my mood probably. I want my life back. I wish I could find a job now, not because of the money, but because it would give me something to DO. Sigh. So if you are reading this, please pray for me. Or CALL ME. Something. Apparently I have friends that can't pick up a phone...at least the one's who live here. And a father. I called my father on Easter, left him a message. STILL nothing from him. Whatever. I know when I call him, he is going to say, "OH, I was JUSt thinking about calling you." He always does. It's kinda pointless to blog when there is no one reading, isn't there? So...I guess...I dunno. Okay....
They don't tell you that you'll come home after the first visit to the Cancer Treatment Center and your plants will be dead. Not the "I forgot to water it" dead. But DEAD. That the first thing you think upon entering the house and depositing your bag is, "Shit. Everything around me is dying." Or that weeks later you'll be listening to your boyfriend and friends playing bluegrass and you'll think of your mom. Asleep in her bed with that ridiculously hilarious sleep mask on. How is she losing weight when she's eating 8 times a day? Did you know there's a name for "wasting away"? It's cachexia. I hate the phrase wasting away. As if someone isn't doing something to try and help. My brothers and sister in law and I are keeping sharp tabs on her medical notes and feeding her healthy, high calorie protein rich food. But it just falls right off. Maybe we're just trying to WILL her body to start acting eight. Ho
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