Ignore Me Like You Mean It

They don't tell you that you'll come home after the first visit to the Cancer Treatment Center and your plants will be dead. Not the "I forgot to water it" dead. But DEAD.    That the first thing you think upon entering the house and depositing your bag is, "Shit. Everything around me is dying." Or that weeks later you'll be listening to your boyfriend and friends playing bluegrass and you'll think of your mom. Asleep in her bed with that ridiculously hilarious sleep mask on.  How is she losing weight when she's eating 8 times a day? Did you know there's a name for "wasting away"? It's cachexia.  I hate the phrase wasting away. As if someone isn't doing something to try and help. My brothers and sister in law and I are keeping sharp tabs on her medical notes and feeding her healthy, high calorie protein rich food. But it just falls right off. Maybe we're just trying to WILL her body to start acting eight.  Ho...

 Today was a super hard day.  Yesterday I was supposed to leave with The Man to go to California for a vacation. Something everyone, including Momma said I needed. Well, American Airlines canceled the flight due to the weather in DFW.  I took a 1/4 of my Xanax (which I've never taken) to sleep last night and woke up feeling emotionally, physically and mentally unstable in an EXTREME way. Add to that when I'm away from The Boy from more than a few days it really hits my depression in a way that nothing else, even the stuff with my Momma does.  Today was taxing. It was hard to keep my head on straight and I felt like I was going crazy. I felt as if I couldn't control anything and needed to be hospitalized. Not because I'm suicidal or even depressed. But because my level of stress and anxiety is so beyond the norm that I felt like I just needed to be placed somewhere safe without anything to say, do, or experience. Except The Boy.  The Man is amazed by my level of ...

I didn't update yesterday because it was such a long day. We had a few hours of The New Patient Experience, saw gastroenterology, pulmonology. Mom is having a biopsy via endoscopy ultrasound on Friday.  She did really well for being at the Center all day. What I'm not telling you is we got ourselves a nap between the appointments and the Experience.   Today, I'll be honest. I'm nearing panic attack right now and we're not even at the Center yet. I took one of my anxiety meds, which hasn't happened in a while. I could fall back to sleep so I'm sure Mom could too. The pulmonologist was happy the fluid in her lungs seems to be decreasing. Mom 11 happy too. She gained  1 1/4 lbs yesterday. She's been eating nonstop so hopefully we'll see more weight gain.  Later..... This is fucking scary.  All of it. Trying to get things scheduled in a way that addresses the acinar carcinoma swiftly but also being patient and not Basically Momma has a very rare cancer c...