Ignore Me Like You Mean It

I’m currently waiting for my first fill. This is what I see. Here are my thoughts... Boobs = woman Boobs = femininity Boobs = stupid Boobs = powerful Boobs are dumb. They don’t control anything except maybe your ability to breast feed and my body couldn’t even get that right. I’m dressed today and representing for my team (Roll Tide!) and I finally was able to find a sports bra that fits and doesn’t hurt. They recommend you either wear the surgical compression bra or a front close sports bra.  But boobs. They do nothing. Why do they have so much power? I did my makeup today and got dressed more than I have since my mastectomy and I feel more myself. I’m not even self conscious about being flat. But I’m STILL in my feels about what my body looks like when I’m naked. One side is lopsided under the arm and the other is round. Expanders feel (did I say this already?) like a plastic milk jug that’s been trampled flat and shoved under the muscle. When I bend over I can feel my le

Tomorrow is my third post op appointment for my mastectomy and my first fill. The last week I’ve been in a significant amount of pain and I’ve been so tired. I stopped taking all medications that make me sleepy and I’m still so tired I have a hard time staying awake during the day.  I’m kind of mentally freaking about the fill. Most people don’t get feeling back in their chest and I already have. So they’ll be finding the ports in my chest and filling them with a very large (I’m told) needle. Which is supposed to cause more “discomfort”.  On top of that I have one side that is poking out under my arm so my “mound/expander” is all disfigured and weird shaped and the other side is shaped like a boob. Weird. I’m having a hard time finding a sports bra that fits tight enough but doesn’t hurt. So the hunt is still on. Here’s to construction. Or rather, reconstruction. #unBRCAble #foobs #fillmeupbuttercup #ishouldgetcookiesforthis

Two weeks post mastectomy with drain totals around 25-30mL and my drains came out! For those of you going through this- take your pain meds before you go. I had planned on taking mine 30 minutes prior to removal. I put it in my pocket and took my water on the car ride so I wouldn’t forget. Unfortunately because of my OTHER medical issue (my memory) I realized after the removal that the reason it hurt so much to remove the drains was because I forgot to take the pill. Whoops!  So yes. If this is something you are going through, take the pain medication. Make sure you give it time to work. My nurse told me to breath in on 3 and then out on 3 and then she pulled the drain. I could literally feel the drain (which was stitched to my side) under my pectoral muscle. As it was pulled out I could feel it unwinding in my CHEST. *shudder*  The anticipation is the worst and yes it’s as bad as you think it will be. My stitches came out today as well and that was nothing. Nothing at all. Please also

Yesterday I was supposed to get my drains out. But unfortunately they are not cooperating. My drain levels are still between 20 and 30 mL. Closer to 30. Supposedly they’ll come out tomorrow, but my levels are still exactly the same. So we’ll see. Currently I still have stitches both at my drain sites and where my breast tissue was removed. Also The Husband has found a random stitch around the side of my back. 😂Weird. The Boy is awesome and handling me being less than 100% really well. He’s been sleeping with us again which I was told would be a bad idea, but except for last night he hasn’t kicked or anything in his sleep. Last night was pretty bad, but I think that’s because The Husband and I kept hearing weird stuff and were creeped out. Not much else to report surgery wise. Repetitive motions still hurt and moving things I shouldn’t still hurts. My second post op appointment is tomorrow. I’ll update more when there is more.

Today was a much better day. I’m praising God specifically because my back is on the mend and Myles has been around all weekend. Thank God. My mastectomy stuff has turned into pain from the muscles and where they took breast tissue. My chest looks misshapen because of the missing tissue and because the expander hasn’t been filled yet. So my skin drops from the breastbone ridge or whatever, dips backwards into my chest and then comes up and back out to meet with the rest of it. Gross. Drains come out Tuesday and HOPEFULLY he’ll start filling but I don’t expect him to. Andrew has been so amazing through all of this. He’s amazing ANYWAY. But this- I don’t know why I was worried.... Oh yes I do. Because I’m a type A control freak.  This has been really good for our marriage because I’m HAVING to let things go and just trust him. Instead of trying to control everything. It’s very hard to do and has nothing to do with who I’m with. I just have to be in charge. So it’s definitely an eye opene