Skip to main content

Spring Mornings and Prophylactic Mastectomies

I woke up earlier than normal today and decided to get out of bed and have my cup of coffee alone and in the sun of my kitchen nook.  In all the running of every day between work and school, I wanted to just take a moment. Today is going to be a beautiful spring day.

Tomorrow is my first appointment with a breast cancer doctor that specializes in breasts. I've been sitting on positive BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 results for about ten years now, and after seeing a few doctors and plastic surgeons (scary ones!) here and then over the years, it's finally time to decide for good whether or not my prophylactic mastectomy will take place.

Andrew (my husband) and I have talked it over so many times that we're both great with the idea of lowering my cancer risk to 5% or lower, especially after it being around 94%. But facing it actually happening is another story. So I'm trying to get back to center and start just being quiet and aware. Turning the phone off. Turning the TV off and just being.

You see, my mother was first diagnosed when she was 32. After going through the cancer twice, she had a double mastectomy and had to fight the cancer. My grandmother had it before her, albeit older. Grandma's brother and sister had it. My aunt had it, didn't seek treatment, and it metastasized to her brain and killed her. On top of that we just lost Andrew's mom to colon cancer a few years ago, so we're a little antsy with the C word.

That being said, after a long hiatus on my blog, I'm going to try to detail everything that is going on with this journey. I have Hughes Syndrome, which is a disease that predisposes my blood to clot. Because of that I see a hematologist fairly often and am on blood thinners. I also cannot have children because of that. My hematologist and my ob/gyn have been on me for some time to reconsider the surgery, but lets be real. These are my girls. I grew them all on my own and I really don't want to have them amputated. I have so many conflicting emotions on this, and on top of all that, so many people look at me when I tell them and think I'm crazy. I called my dad yesterday and he thought it was nuts. That I should wait until I "have" to cut them off, i.e. until I get cancer and it's needed.

Can you live with the proverbial ax hanging over your head? I can't. I'll be starting law school next year or the first semester of 2018 and I really don't want to deal with this on top of all of that. Surprisingly, my mother and her other sister are of the same opinion. That I need to just wait until I get cancer. Quite honestly I don't want to have cancer drugs/poison coursing through my body on top of my Hughes Syndrome and various other autoimmune diseases that I have to fight on a good day. But that's just me. The good news is Andrew is super supportive and since we chose not to have kids due to my illness (we could try, but the possibility of a clot killing me is VERY likely) I would like to be able to actually live and enjoy my life.

So why am I getting this prophylactic mastectomy? What is my reasoning? Well, first, I believe that we should live life by choices and not by being forced into reacting to something. A choice that you make fully aware of the consequences is a choice that is more informed and less emotional than one that is reactive to say, cancer and the possibility of dying. Second, I believe that living life healthy and well includes living with your mental and emotional stability intact and I don't think a person can do that if they are always wondering if the big C is just around the corner. Third, I don't want to make my body even HAVE to try and fight the big C, much less the poison that is pumped into your body if I don't have to. And finally, after seeing my aunt before she died, watching Andrew's mother die, I really just don't want to experience that. I don't want my husband to have to go through it again. If that means amputating the boobies and having cold shiny breast mounds (We'll talk more about that phrase later) then so be it. I love life. I won't be trapped by my DNA.


Unfortunately for you reading this blog, it's probably going to be very stream of consciousness. I'm sorry for that. There are so many things running through my head at a moments time about this that I just really need to get it out. And if you're starting on this journey, you'll know what I mean. Please feel free to comment below.


Also, here's a photo of my awesome (but messy) kitchen nook!




Also here's a picture of Paris in spring because, I mean, it's PARIS in the SPRING. Come on!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

More Things They Don't Tell You

They don't tell you that you'll come home after the first visit to the Cancer Treatment Center and your plants will be dead. Not the "I forgot to water it" dead. But DEAD.    That the first thing you think upon entering the house and depositing your bag is, "Shit. Everything around me is dying." Or that weeks later you'll be listening to your boyfriend and friends playing bluegrass and you'll think of your mom. Asleep in her bed with that ridiculously hilarious sleep mask on.  How is she losing weight when she's eating 8 times a day? Did you know there's a name for "wasting away"? It's cachexia.  I hate the phrase wasting away. As if someone isn't doing something to try and help. My brothers and sister in law and I are keeping sharp tabs on her medical notes and feeding her healthy, high calorie protein rich food. But it just falls right off. Maybe we're just trying to WILL her body to start acting eight.  Ho

Don't Ignore The Pain of Infertility

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and the fine people at RESOLVE have challenged Bloggers to write a blog post with the theme of “Don’t Ignore Infertility”. In your life, in the lives of your family and friends, don’t ignore infertility. The words that so make so many of our hearts drop to our feet are: “Just relax, it will happen” and “Just trust God’s will”.  These (and others) are phrases that I can’t stand. They are meant to be helping words. Kind words. Words to uplift and give encouragement. And yet as quick as they are spoken, they cut to the quick and cause resentment, anger and bitterness. Some people experience infertility and never have biological children. Others have children and experience infertility after that, called secondary infertility . Either way, it hurts. There is no cure, and the best that we can hope for is to find some other (albeit very costly) way to get pregnant or have that child we dream of. I got married last week to a wonderful m

Anxiety, Caregiving, Separation from Kids and other anxiety and depression related things

 Today was a super hard day.  Yesterday I was supposed to leave with The Man to go to California for a vacation. Something everyone, including Momma said I needed. Well, American Airlines canceled the flight due to the weather in DFW.  I took a 1/4 of my Xanax (which I've never taken) to sleep last night and woke up feeling emotionally, physically and mentally unstable in an EXTREME way. Add to that when I'm away from The Boy from more than a few days it really hits my depression in a way that nothing else, even the stuff with my Momma does.  Today was taxing. It was hard to keep my head on straight and I felt like I was going crazy. I felt as if I couldn't control anything and needed to be hospitalized. Not because I'm suicidal or even depressed. But because my level of stress and anxiety is so beyond the norm that I felt like I just needed to be placed somewhere safe without anything to say, do, or experience. Except The Boy.  The Man is amazed by my level of love for