Things I'm learning are that you can't make your heart feel a certain way, and that sometimes, you just have to let it take some time to heal. I thought I was over the whole "I really want kids" thing. With my stepsons 18th birthday coming up, Christmas, graduation for him, I realize I'm not. I want the best of both worlds, and I can't that. I also can't have kids. So I've decided to bide my time, and remember that I've wanted kids my whole life, so it's going to take some time to heal, and this wound... this LOSS, will never fully heal.
It's hard to allow myself to cry, but I'm discovering I can grieve in other ways, and I can deal in other ways. I just can't force myself to feel something I don't, and that is "okay" with how this whole thing turned out. More to come, I'm sure.