Ignore Me Like You Mean It

Mom Chronicles Day 1,940 April 5, 2022 Mom: “Do you want anything special for dinner?” Myles “Pizza is my destiny. That’s why I came to Earth. For the pizza.” 😆😆 Later I tried to explain something to him (he wants to start wearing nightshirts) and I was basically going to say if someone picks on you for wearing them to bed ignore them. I started to use wimp, but he didn’t know what that meant and I’m not defining a negative word. Then I tried a couple other words. Like sissy. He came back with, “like a sissy and a bubba?” Crissey And I was like oh I see no not like that. It’s hard to remember sometimes just how totally innocent he is, especially with that quick wit and the ability to make jokes that some adults wouldn’t get. Sissy and bubba are his brother and sister. Signing off on the chronicles for now. I need to do better. You may have noticed there are no more photos of Myles. Not new or recent ones anyway.  I decided to keep his face off the internet now that he’s growing up. H

How can this beautiful moon I look at be the same moon that Putin looks upon at the same time Ukrainian refugees look at it? I honestly don’t understand how all of these things could possibly happen at the same time and yet- We are not peaceful. We don’t understand each other. All we see are boundaries, colors and lines. The things that divide us. Nothing is made of the thing that unites us. It doesn’t matter that we are all made of flesh, bond and sinew or that we look upon the same stars and possibly worship the same God.

 Yesterday was 5 months since I lost my Daddy. It really hit home because Dad (we call step parents bonus dads or moms) has now been placed in a memory care facility.  And for the first time this week, Dad didn’t know who I was. He thought my son was his. Mom is being denied her surgery (twice now) by insurance. They’re sentencing her to death. If they don’t do anything we’re looking at roughly 8-12 months. Then again she beat it once but they nearly killed her with that surgery. I am not okay.  I can't begin to describe the gut wrenchingly painful experience of losing my Daddy. The slow moving knowledge that he will never wrap his arms around me again.  We think of losing a parent and everyone experiences this. It's so hard. To lose a parent so swiftly, so suddenly, when they are supposed to be going home, only to be gone (I can't even write the 'D' word yet) within a week... It's indescribable. It is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. Now lose two w

I am so fucking tired. I am so tired of being tired. I am so tired of being so tired that I go to bed at 8:30 p.m., only to lie awake for hours in the middle of the night. I am so tired of not having time with my spouse to actually enjoy each other or talk about things other than the pandemic. I am so tired of mitigating risk by the hour. I am so tired of internally debating whether my kids’ response to something is pandemic-related or not. I am so tired of selfish people. I am so tired of dumb people. I am so tired of lazy people. I am so tired of being angry. I am so tired of feeling so much rage toward strangers. I am so tired of my kids. I am so tired of my kids not being able to get a vaccine. I am so tired of talking about new variants.  I am so tired of drinking to quell the pain. I am so tired of living in “Groundhog Day.” I am so tired of saying, “That’s it, I’m done,” only to, of course, not actually be done. I am so tired of worrying about long COVID-19 and what we don’t kno

Daddy- You're on the ventilator.  It's been about 2 1/2   days. Daddy I love you. I've been praying for your healing.  I just got done again. Anytime I think of you- all the time- I pray.  I can't believe you've been ventilated after doing so well.  I hate this. I want my strong Daddy back. I'm comforted by the fact that we talked about your death and I know you're ready to meet Jesus.  If you don't wake up, hug Him hard for me okay? And then I think, maybe you'll wake up and have a story to tell from the other side.  My heart is simultaneously at peace and shattering into pieces I can't catch. I wish I had more time with you. I wish we didn't live so far away. I wish so many things that I can't make come true.  The biggest thing- I just wish- one more time- to feel your arms around me or have you pop around the corner with a snake or mask. I promised you I won't lose my faith. I don't break promises.   I'll always follow Jesu

They don't tell you that you'll come home after the first visit to the Cancer Treatment Center and your plants will be dead. Not the "I forgot to water it" dead. But DEAD.    That the first thing you think upon entering the house and depositing your bag is, "Shit. Everything around me is dying." Or that weeks later you'll be listening to your boyfriend and friends playing bluegrass and you'll think of your mom. Asleep in her bed with that ridiculously hilarious sleep mask on.  How is she losing weight when she's eating 8 times a day? Did you know there's a name for "wasting away"? It's cachexia.  I hate the phrase wasting away. As if someone isn't doing something to try and help. My brothers and sister in law and I are keeping sharp tabs on her medical notes and feeding her healthy, high calorie protein rich food. But it just falls right off. Maybe we're just trying to WILL her body to start acting eight.  Ho