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My heart is heavy this evening as I spend my first night alone in my new “apartment”. The downstairs living area of my parents home. The Boy is with his Dad and grandparents. Packing up his room today was just.... emotionally exhausting. He’ll be back with me in a week, but since my exchange surgery is in the morning, The Boy is best with them for the recovery.
My heart is heavy and my soul hurts for so many reasons. I have these emotions tearing into me and pushing me, pulling me into separate directions. I can’t remember the last time I felt at peace. Tonight my peace is found in Jesus. The one man who will never leave me or forsake me. I miss my son. I’m apprehensive about this next chapter of my life. I didn’t think I’d be here again. 
In the morning my bestie and I will head to the hospital where I’ll have my exchange surgery and then come home. My mastectomy and reconstruction journey will finally be complete.
“Yes everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value …
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Well it looks like I’m having my first reconstruction complication. One of my expanders is leaking and painful. Well, more painful than it was. Thankfully it’s not red and infected. So a trip to my doc is in order tomorrow after speaking to him. 
The good news is that this has been a very easy process for me so far. From what my doc said this doesn’t seem to be a terribly huge deal provided it doesn’t get infected. 
In case you’re reading this and going through the same, my expanders were completely full. So they were hard and fully expanded. At first I felt rippling in my skin and then it just started feeling more and more deflated. The muscle around it hurts and around my back as well. That is most likely (I’m assuming here) because I have under the muscle expanders.
Remember, if anything weird is going on with your recovery or reconstruction, ALWAYS call. Even if you’re not sure if it’s weird.


If you have reconstructed boobs and they are still in expanders, there will come a time that one of them will “crinkle” or “pop”- sort of like a full water bottle that is misshapen and then POPS back into place unexpectedly.
It’s freaky and uncool. I froze for a good minute and checked myself out. Luckily all was good, but I’m here to tell you- I held my breath for a while.
#foobs #unBRCAble #doyourboobspop #minedo #noisemakers

Last Fill- Send Help

Today was my last fill. I started work so I’m behind in my updates. Also, The Man got the flu and then had the audacity to need ME because he had a procedure done. How dare the men need us, right ladies? 
Actually for real though, I’m thankful I can help HIM with how much he has been supporting and just doing everything with such a giving spirit. 
The Boy is 21 months old and has entered The Terrible Twos early. Pray for us y’all. Everything is “no” or a tantrum. Little dude thinks he’s grown. 
#AdultsDown #sendhelp #nomorefills #TerribleTwos #youaintgrown #ineedacookie #unBRCAble #BRCA #mastectomywin

Second Fill

Today was my second fill. I was told that I’m almost done. I’m four weeks post op and have been released to work and do normal activities. The only limitation is if it’s painful then I stop. I also have to be careful still while lifting The Boy and only use my legs. As my wonderful boss said, “welcome back to the real world!”. I’m so excited this is almost over. 
For me, the worst part is done. The whole “don’t do anything” schtick is super old. I’m at 270cc and will have my exchange in about a month. 
The Husband was felled by the flu this week so I’ve had to do stuff I’m not supposed to because no one wants to come into a flu ridden home. Luckily, The Husband is recovering and hasn’t died. He’s even been helpful while wandering around sick. Or as helpful as a man with the flu can be, anyway.
If you follow my blog I’ll be posting before and after photos today. 
The weird things are: feeling the saline sloshing around in my expanders; feeling my expander shift when I bend over; being able…


I’m currently waiting for my first fill. This is what I see. Here are my thoughts...

Boobs = womanBoobs = femininityBoobs = stupidBoobs = powerful
Boobs are dumb. They don’t control anything except maybe your ability to breast feed and my body couldn’t even get that right. I’m dressed today and representing for my team (Roll Tide!) and I finally was able to find a sports bra that fits and doesn’t hurt. They recommend you either wear the surgical compression bra or a front close sports bra. 
But boobs. They do nothing. Why do they have so much power? I did my makeup today and got dressed more than I have since my mastectomy and I feel more myself. I’m not even self conscious about being flat. But I’m STILL in my feels about what my body looks like when I’m naked. One side is lopsided under the arm and the other is round.
Expanders feel (did I say this already?) like a plastic milk jug that’s been trampled flat and shoved under the muscle. When I bend over I can feel my left expander move a…

In My Feels

Tomorrow is my third post op appointment for my mastectomy and my first fill.
The last week I’ve been in a significant amount of pain and I’ve been so tired. I stopped taking all medications that make me sleepy and I’m still so tired I have a hard time staying awake during the day. 
I’m kind of mentally freaking about the fill. Most people don’t get feeling back in their chest and I already have. So they’ll be finding the ports in my chest and filling them with a very large (I’m told) needle. Which is supposed to cause more “discomfort”. 
On top of that I have one side that is poking out under my arm so my “mound/expander” is all disfigured and weird shaped and the other side is shaped like a boob. Weird. I’m having a hard time finding a sports bra that fits tight enough but doesn’t hurt. So the hunt is still on.
Here’s to construction. Or rather, reconstruction. #unBRCAble #foobs #fillmeupbuttercup #ishouldgetcookiesforthis